The Acursed Ones (That Means You!)

“I swear I’m cursed,” a friend said to me not long ago.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve caught myself uttering those exact words over the years. You know what I’m talking about, those strange but regularly reoccurring incidents of bad luck that happen to all of us at the worst moments. Things that happen so frequently and with such perfect regularity that you find yourself looking over your shoulder to see which disgruntled imp has cast a curse on you when you weren’t looking.

Here are some examples of curses that have been laid on me and my friends without our knowledge. (If it was YOU please remove your curse as soon as possible):

The Many Mishaps while Traveling Curse: I recently went on a business trip with several of my coworkers. The woman I was assigned to share a hotel room with explained to me that she is cursed when it comes to traveling. Before the trip was through, I believed her. Her airplane ticket was filed under the wrong name (which made things ticklish because they have to have an ID with the name listed) and our room reservation was lost so we ended up with this awful room we were sure was the maid’s room. She ended up sleeping (if you could call it that) on a hideaway fold out couch the whole week. She says stuff like this happens to her all the time when she travels, poor thing.

The Disappearing Pen in the Purse Curse: I don’t know who I ticked off to get this curse put on me, but no matter how many pens I put in my purse they will be gone by the end of the week. Because I know this is a problem I’m very careful to always put my pens back after each use double checking myself several times just to be sure. They still disappear with alarming regularity. I never have any memory of when the disappearance might have occurred either. Is this a case of a time distortion phenomenon? Has the Bermuda Triangle inexplicably expanded its borders to include my purse? Maybe I’m just cursed.

The Next Person You Date Curse: Lots of people I know have claimed to be under this curse. I am one of them. If I meet or go out with a guy I really and truly like, he will meet the girl of his dreams before he’s had enough time to get to know me well enough for any sort of relationship to blossom between us. It has happened so often I now just expect it. It never works on guys I don’t like. But that’s an entirely different kind of curse altogether.

Not long ago my mother and a friend wanted to set me up with a guy. Usually I dread blind dates, but after listening to them talk about this guy I was actually kind of excited about meeting him. But when my mother’s friend went to set up the date she discovered that he had—you guessed it—met the perfect girl and they were now dating. They’ll be happily married within a year’s time guaranteed. The “cursed one” has so spoken. I try to use my power only for good—but it can be a little disheartening at times.

The I Just had the Blasted Thing in my Hand Twenty Seconds Ago Curse: Do I even need to explain this one to anyone out there. This must be the most commonly laid curse on the face of the planet. Some important object is in your hand one minute, the next it has disappeared into thin air. Glasses, a pair of shoes, your purse, it can be anything at all. The vanished item will usually reappear in some strange place you would never think to look—like in the refrigerator.

The All My Library Holds Come in the Same Week Curse: When I see a book that looks interesting, I immediately put it on hold at the library. This is usually done slowly over months of time, one or two titles at a time. When books have lots of holds ahead of mine, it can take a long time before they become available. My hold list can become quite sizable in that period of time. So why is it that every book on my list has to come in the same week? Have you ever tried to read thirty chapter books in three weeks? Not an easy task I can tell you. What are the odds that thirty people will all return their books the same week that I just happen to be next in line for all of them? It can’t be an accident.

The Things Go Wrong Only When I Have an Audience Curse: Have you ever noticed how you can do something right a million times but the minute someone is watching you—like a boss, supervisor, or spouse—everything goes wrong and you look like a complete fool. Uh huh, I thought so.

The Deer Are Trying to Kill Me Curse: If there is a deer crossing sign on a road (and sometime even when there isn't) a deer WILL run in front of my car. No exceptions. I've had whole herds decide to dash across the road just as I get there. If you don't believe me, ask my sister who never had a deer run in front of her car until I was in the passanger seat. It happened so often she now slows down if I'm in the car with her.

If anyone knows the proper way to rid oneself of any of the curses listed above (preferably something that includes eating chocolate and dancing under a full moon while wearing glow in the dark nail polish) please let me know right away. If you have a curse not mentioned above feel free to add it to the comments.

Cursed ones unite!